The Ethical Bastard

Watch More Sports… It Stops Wars

“NBA, NFL, NHL, MBL, UFC… WTF?!”

1. It takes millions of years for evolution to change our DNA

2. Society has changed drastically from our neanderthal parents only 50,000 years ago

3. For millions of years our DNA was bred for survival of the fittest, competition, fighting, and war

4. Society has advanced too quickly in just a few thousand years beyond the ability of our DNA to catch up

5. Our DNA wants us to compete, fight, and war.  Society does not.  We either need to change our DNA, change society, or… 

6. Sports and competition are currently the best alternatives to fighting and war.  They accomplish much of the same psychological needs and have referees

7. Until our DNA catches up watch more sports it will help prevent wars

Stephen Hawking that crazy smart dude in the wheelchair gave an entire lecture on how evolution needs an upgrade and is keeping us down.  DNA wise we’re not too far from monkeys only we wear suits and use Facebook.  There’s a reason why we like violence and watch action flicks with big explosions.  It’s just in our DNA the same way we crave sex and fattening foods.  Sigmund Freud in Civilization and It’s Discontent recognized the same problem of our id not being able to cope with advancing society’s rules.  He said we could only do this by 1.  intoxication or 2.  sublimation.  He shot cocaine everyday… so we know how he got over the monday blues.  I say sublimate with sports.  Where else can you wear matching bright colored outfits, drink, and have cheerleaders cheering you on… well it is gay pride this week.

Be Lazy My Friend… Bruce Lee Was

“Be aggressive B E aggressive…”

1. A master is one who does what they do effortlessly

2. When we see a dancer, athlete, or musician perform we are awed not by how hard they are trying but how little they are

3. Effortlessness has beauty and magic

4. Laziness is living an effortless life

5. To be a master at life one needs to live life effortlessly i.e. lazily 

6. Be lazy… Bruce Lee would want you to be the master you are meant to be

Life is a struggle we all know it even the Buddha as well as Keanu Reeves who played him in that movie no one remembers both knew it.  But it doesn’t have to be.  The more you struggle in life the harder it becomes like fighting the curl of a wave and the deeper you sink.  Take cues from lazy surfers… have you ever met a depressed surfer?  Woah. 

The Golden Rule Was Written By a Bastard

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”

1. Everyone has their own set of beliefs and standards be them political, economic, cultural, religious etc…

2. Doing unto others using your own beliefs and standards will most likely conflict with the other’s beliefs and standards

3. The rule should say “Do unto others as they would have others do unto them”

4. Only the purely selfish believe that their beliefs and standards apply to everyone else as well

5. And only a bastard would actually do unto others as they believe they should do unto others

6. The Golden Rule was written by a bastard

The Golden Rule sure has caused some problems throughout history.  Wars, oppression, terrorism, socks as christmas gifts.  In a multicultural, multieverything world how can we just all get along with a rule like this.  Imagine a vegan bakery and a BBQ rib shop taking the other out for dinner… um huh.  But maybe thinking that people shouldn’t follow this rule is actually following the rule… oh no that makes me a bastard.  I wouldn’t except any less of myself.

Cheerleader Philosophy or Why You Should Only Date Cheerleaders

“… but she’s such a cheerleader!”

1. Every relationship you’ve had has failed… unless you’re in one right now in which case every relationship but 1 has failed… so far.

2. We are just not built to have successful relationships or #1 would not be true

3. If you meet someone who is cool and interesting if you date them chances (historically) are that this relationship will fail (per #1)

4. Also if you are not ready for marriage and/or lifelong commitment FOREVER then eventually this relationship will fail 

5.  You can be friends with cool and interesting people for the rest of your life

6. Once you’ve dated someone you are almost always never as good of friends as you were before you dated that is if you even talk or don’t hate each other

7. If you find someone cool and interesting and want to keep them for a lifetime it is better to be friends with them than to date them and lose them eventually

8. When you are ready to be married and commit FOREVER to this cool and interesting person perhaps you can avoid the fate of every relationship you’ve ever had

9. So in the meantime you just can not date cool and interesting people… be friends with them… so you can only date cute people that aren’t cool or interesting

10. You should only date cheerleaders

Let’s face it we’re all bad at relationships.  If we weren’t we’d all be 16 and pregnant and live in Alaska and be on Dancing with the Stars.  Very rarely do we meet really cool and interesting people that make our lives a happier place.  Most people just aren’t that great.  We’ve all met that person we thought was great dated them and for whatever reason got too serious and now never talk to them.  Bad move.  Just be compadres, bffs, partners in crime until that day when you’re ready to settle down and be married and pick the best friend.  Pull a When Harry met Sally.  By then you’ll have a ton more interesting friends and people who won’t ignore your calls.

Bastards always date cheerleaders first.

Why You Shouldn’t Be Friends With Fat People

“No Fatties”

1. Having obese friends increases your chance of being obese by 80%

2. Even just having friends who have friends that are obese increases your chance of being obese by 40%

3. If you don’t want to increase your chances of being obese and having health issues like diabetes do not be friends with obese people or even friends that have friends who are obese

4. More importantly as an ethical member of society you should not yourself become obese as you will then increase your friends, family, and their friends chances of becoming obese by up to 80%

5. You can decrease your chances by 80% of being obese thereby minimizing the risk to your friends, their friends, and family by not being friends with obese people.  

6. Being friends with obese people not only harms you but also your friends, family, and society. 

7. No fatties.

Ok ok.  One ethical note.  There is literally a huge difference between being overweight and being obese.  We’ve all been overweight and that’s perfectly ethical and even sexy as the term voluptuous has come to symbolize.  But sorry guys there just isn’t room for a voluptuous guy.  Beer bellies however ethical will never be sexy.

Credit to this argument must go to Nicholas Chirstakis who is the Professor of Medicine, Health Care Policy, and Sociology at Harvard University.  You can listen to his TED talk which goes over the details of this at:

http://www.ted.com/talks/nicholas_christakis_the_hidden_influence_of_social_networks.html

I know… what a bastard.

Why You Should Only Date Hot Chicks

“You’re the shallowest person I’ve ever met”

1. We are all looking for our soul mates

2. Your ideal soul mate will be both personally and physically attractive to you

3. Given two people with the same personality and everything else equal, why not pick the more physically attractive one?

4. It only takes one look to know if someone is physically attractive to you

5. It can take hours, days, months to know if someone is personally attractive to you

6. When looking for your soul mate, it’s far more efficient to start with all the attractive people first then find the best personality out of those versus wasting years of your life going the other way

7. You should only date hot chicks

Some will argue that people can grow on you to become physically attractive.  This only works for girls… sometimes.  Sure we’ve all heard of Beauty and the Beast but when have you heard of Handsome and the Buttaface?      

And another thing… we’ve all dated people we thought weren’t that attractive because of their personality or some other reason… but who want’s to be that guy?  The “but he has such a good personality” guy.  No one wants to feel like they’re not pretty enough to be with you… sheesh… now that’s being a bastard.